Rei's MindSay Blog

'Tis Begun

swornsisterrei — 2005-05-29T09:05:10-05:00

The first entry, a hollow event in the boredom that has surrounded me since school released us all from her dreadful grasp. I expected freedom to greet me, but I find myself lost in the fog of idelness. The only eventful moments I find in the presence of my sworn sister and schooling my mount over fences. I also find myself in the grasp of fear since my accursed ex refuses to relenquish his grasp on me. Today alone he has called.... 6 times. I find myself questing for a replacment, so he will be less likely to approch me. I have some one in mind....... 'Tis a secret.

In the grasp of Boredom once again.

swornsisterrei — 2005-05-30T03:05:18-05:00

How is it, that when you are in the most desparete need of some form of amusement, it makes a point to avoid you, leaving you in the foggy, hazy realm of boredom? Once again, I find myself in her grasp. I can say however, that I am becoming used to the blank sensation. My prosective place of employment still has not returned my call. I fear that the slot has been filled already. I find myself instead, listening to my friend's words of complaint. She mourns the fact that her beloved lives an ocean away in Gemany, a fact she was well aware of in the beginning. Sometimes I feel as thought I am the only one amoung my compainons that truely knows what is becoming of us, but I know this is not true. We are all not that nieve. It seems a shame to let this beautiful day go to waste. Perhaps I shall find motivation to venture out later. I await any excuse to venture away from home and got out into the world, yet, I don't wish to leave, I am torn. Perhaps my sworn sister will call me closer to nightfall with a prospect of entertainment. I can only wait.

Actions Against the Bind

swornsisterrei — 2005-05-31T04:05:18-05:00

Today, I was formerly told, I would be spending in the company of my sworn sister and friend, however, I find that her mind is dwelling more on the parellel realm of FFXI. I have spent my day lying in wait for her call only to never reseive it, and it is too close to sunset for anything to be planned. I cannot deny that anger has seated itself well within my mind and soul, but I fight it. I am trying quite hard to keep my temper and not launch myself into attack irrationally. For all I know there might be a logically reason for the lack of communication. I pray that I may keep my temper, and this is not as it seems.

A New Day Has Dawned

swornsisterrei — 2005-06-02T07:06:07-05:00

All the anger that I had stored up inside me a mere few days ago has left, to be replaced by a blissful feeling of peace. It always seems to be that way when I spend time with my sworn sister and her family. I have spent the last.... three days and two nights in their company, along with one of their other friends and I find that all of my bitter feelings have left me. I watched movies with them, discovered the glory of D&D (Dungeons and Dragons) and even added new relationships to my quota. One, a friend, the other, something more. The former being with the person that I was concidering earier. I find myself very optimistic in his presence and can easily put things into words that I normally wouldn't be able to. I can't find a thing wrong with the world at all at this moment. I will admit that I have my worries, I always find things to worry about when dealing with relationships that are more then friendly, but I am trying to put them aside since they are merely made on the grounds that he may be a "normal college guy." But I don't think he is, however, and am looking forward to what tommorrow brings.

Woes and Worries and the Fog Returns

swornsisterrei — 2005-06-03T04:06:15-05:00

I find it strange how quickly the fog of boredom can resettle itself after one finds theselves locked away at their home once again. I awoke early and journeyed to the local arena to share my horseback riding wisdom with the new generation. I must say that it went quite well. My student is improving steadily and I find myself swelling with pride each time I see her accomplise a new task. Other than that, I have only had the book I borrowed from my boyfriend (Halo: The Fall of Reach) to amuse myself with. On top of that I have learned that one of my very close companions has been caught shop-lifting. I would have never expected such a thing from her, but then again, the urge to be completely random takes even the best of us from time to time. I can only hope that she doesn't fair badly in court. I also hope for some form of contact from the outside world before night falls.

My First Day In Hell

swornsisterrei — 2005-06-04T02:06:57-05:00

I have returned from my first day at my new place of employment. At the beginning of my day (at 7 AM) I was quite opptimistic and looked forward to my first day. However, by 10 AM, I had been stomped on, squished, and had deworming paste thrown all over me. Arabian mares are crazy beasts of burden and after only one day I find them intolerable. When I finally completed all of my tasks (feeding 15 horses, letting them all out into their own paddocks, and cleaning all of the stalls, which happened to be slop) I was sore over every square inch of my being. Even now, nearly 2 hours later, my back still strains and my hands scream, all of my callouses have blistered and split open. Perhaps the worst thing about all of this, is the fact that I have to repeat the entire thing all other again tommorow. How I will servive I do not know. Now I sit here being bombarded by my inadequate Norton Anti-virus program. The same alert has popped up every 30 seconds since I got on. How do I stop it?

Spliting Mentality

swornsisterrei — 2005-06-05T10:06:40-05:00

Everyday lately has been a test. Work has tested my strength, boredom and tested my mind, and an absence of my companions has tested my spirit. It appears that my companions are the most difficult people to make contact with imaginable. Even the one that is more than a friend illudes me. I fear this summer will truely break me, leaving me as an irritable, difficult person to be around. My fairly bad temper is only worsening, it's only a matter of time before I become intolerable to myself, my family, and all my friends. I already find myself quick to fight, jumping into confrontations, placing myself in the line of fire. Isolation doesn't sit well with me. I need to journey forth, to re-enter the world that has left me behind.

Forsaken

swornsisterrei — 2005-06-08T12:06:15-05:00

I am usually not the type to allow myself to dwell in depression, but I find myself today doing just that. I feel as though I have truely been left behind in the sceme of things. Isn't it that, when a guy asks you to "go out with him" he usually calls? Don't friends usually return your calls? It has been nearly a week that I have campained to get ahold of my sworn sister and yet she still doesn't make contact with me. I have left numerous messages, e-mails, even spoken to her parents who have told her to call me. It's making me think that I have messed up so badly that she doesn't want to speak to me, and I can come up with nothing that could lead to this shunning. I have truely begun to lose hope. All I wanted to know was if she wanted to come to the bomb fire this weekend and make smores and indulge in pyro-pleasures. It's a sad, grave day that your friends have better things to do than return your calls. *sigh* I feel better now that I got that off my chest.....

Relief

swornsisterrei — 2005-06-10T09:06:49-05:00

I was very angry a mere few days ago, but just like the last time I felt that incredible anger, it was gone in moments, all based on misunderstandings... and a failed telephone. As it turns out, my sworn sister and my boyfriend had been trying to reach me, my phone was being difficult and not letting in callers at random intravels during the day, a thing that I proved myself when I tryed to contact my mother from the movie theater. She said it never even came through to the speaker at the home end. Well, here is the tale. After phoning countless times and sending e-mails, I picked up the phone on Wednesday and called just to give the hopeless cause one more attempt. It was a successful attempt. I ended up spending the afternoon with them and then going to the movies to see Star Wars: Episode 3. It was a very trama-filled movie if you have not ventured out to see it as of now. Yesterday, after spending two tormet filled hours discussing plans for State Finals decorations, I returned to their place of dwelling to spend the night. I fear that the fact that every time I pass the night there, we stay up until early in the morning has their mother not finding me in her favor. I suppose in the long run it does not matter. My boyfriend is leaving for two fortnights on Sunday. He has had a job offer in the capitol that he has taken, working for his uncle.... I am happy for him, but I am also sad, as this job has him leaving my side for quite some time.... It's like he is a warrior riding forth to battle.....

Joy Abounds

swornsisterrei — 2005-06-13T12:06:04-05:00

He's still here. He was meant to leave today but he remains for reasons unknown.... though they don't really matter, the point is that he's still here. Myself and him, along with two of my sworn sisters ventured to the mall yesterday. We had... an interesting time. One of the sworns gave a name to a random guy she found attractive. I failed to see the glory in him, but she went out of her way several times to be near him. Hopefully, tomorrow will dawn bright and full of sunshine, not like the wet, gloomy weather we've had of late, so I may finish my chores, school my horse, and then spend some time with my boyfriend. My ex continues to call and e-mail me to this very day, though not as persitently. I feel it is time that he found out about my new relationship. Part of me still feels sorry for the hell I've put him through, but the my other half basks in the glory of revenge, though that was not the intent. I feel he will know soon enough. Here's to sunshine and quality time....

Rage and Enlightenment

swornsisterrei — 2005-06-13T08:06:56-05:00

I have a new hypothesis, families were put here to enrage, frustrate, aggrivate, and then, after all of this, make us regretful and submissive. I awoke at ten o'clock this morning with orders to water the horses, as they were lacking. I did this wordlessly. Until about three in the evening, I wandered the house aimlessly, until my mother and younger brother left to assist my grandparents at the lake house. As my mother exited the door, she left me a list of things to do while she was gone: unload the dishwasher, vacuum the rug in the living room, vacuum my room, and put the clothes away. I was slightly annoyed by this, but I accomplished all my tasks in due time and still was able to ride my horse, clean out the stalls, and scrub out all of the water troughs by six. Then, I requested that I could go bowling with my friends, and my mother refused, saying that all I had done resently was "go off with my friends." Then she told me that I still hadn't cut down the ruined wire off the pasture fence. I was enraged. I had been out a lot of late, but I was not neglecting my resonsibilities. I fired back at her, saying that all my younger brother did was ride his bike down the road, and play with his friends. I even mentioned how I was caring for his goat everyday. She ignored me, so I left to attack the wire on the fence. The wire clippers proved to be incredably dull, I was forced to saw the wire apart with them ,then upon returning inside, I wasn't even spoken to. She knew I had been struggling with the wire, but she said nothing. I logged on, read a blog (blackplague's) and realized that even with all of the trouble I live with, I really have an easy life. I am greatful.

A Driver's Education

swornsisterrei — 2005-06-16T03:06:23-05:00

I have returned from my first three days of "driver's ed" and I must say that I find it rather enjoyable. The only downsides to the course are the hours. I must awake at 6:15 in order to arrive on time for the course at 7:45. In the last three days, I have driven all over the county along with a small group who have proven themselves to be worthy company. Today we drove to the State Park to saw... seven deer, three quail, four turkey, and an armadillo. There hasn't been a dull moment- while out on the road in any case. After lunch class has proven to be exhaustingly dull. I am not one to fall asleep in class, but I found myself drifting off today. I was living proof today that most of the time, the History Channel does not schedule intersting programs, at least were roads and vehicles are concered. My mother is delighted that I am enjoying myself. There have been many occasions of "I told you you'd have a good time." I must admit she was right. It has been enjoyable. All is well. I am journeying to a meeting yet again tonight. It is a small damper to my plans. My mother has admitted that the object of my affections if a decent human being, she even seems a bit fond of him, though she maintains the opinion that his hair is too long. This is yet another thing that has me in high spirits. Even the daunting meeting looming in the future cannot discourage me. I continue to march forward.

Near Joyful Ending

swornsisterrei — 2005-06-23T04:06:45-05:00

After another endless four days in "driver's ed," I am over-joyed to announce that only two more days await me. It has been rather enjoyable though, I must admit. We have been filming our lunch conversations of late and I must say they are quite funny. Things are getting progressivly better. My sworn sister and boyfriend return from visiting their father if no plans have been changed. I should be recieving a call later today, I get to dye my hair, and hopefully, since my amusments are returning, I shall once again get to journey out of this hell-hole and out into the world beyond. The weather around here lately has been quite gloomy, I find myself confined indoors which is rather depressing. I was called into work yesterday and was caught out in the rain while driving the Poleris Ranger. It is incredably difficult to drive with rain hammering into your eyes. I have starting writing yet another story. That is what being bored in class drives me to. I'm using a differt style of writting this time however, and I hope that the end result will be better, that is, if I finish it. I seem to have quite a bad habit as far as leaving stories unfinished goes. This is the.... seventh one that I have attempted. I should try harder to be more persistant, but I find that I loose interest. Maybe this one will be different.

A Journey

swornsisterrei — 2005-06-25T04:06:28-05:00

Yesterday, I had the pleasure of accompanying one of the sworns on an excursion to a tack store and a mall. The journey was rather difficult as her car's air conditioning unit was not working, but it was enjoyalbe all the same. At the tack store I bought a new pair of field boots, then waited as she tryed on and choose between at least five different pairs of breeches and bought at least ten fish from another part of the store. Afterwards, we simply drove down the highway to the mall where we ate lunch and window shopped. It was a very enjoyable start to my day, but I regret to say that the end wasn't as wonderful. I called my other sworn to converse and inquire about how things were at her father's over the last week. She said that they were fine, but that her brother, my boyfriend, is staying over there for at least another week- maybe even a fortnight. He never even made an attempt to relay this message to me, and I must say that after not seeing or even talking to him for the last week, I was sincerly looking forward to hearing from him again. I was rather upset to hear that he had not returned and angered that it didn't seem to matter whether I knew or not. Perhaps I am merely used to a more..... involved relationship, but it seems that I am only bond to him at his convinence. But, whatever the reason, today I found my normally tedious job, plus a Korn CD to be quite the stress relever. Perhaps tommorow will be better.

End of an Era

swornsisterrei — 2005-06-29T03:06:20-05:00

Yesterday was my final day in driver's ed. It was a bitter sweet event. I was glad that I didn't have to venture there any longer, as the hours were slowly driving me into insanity, but I am sad that I will no longer be able to spend time with all of my new companions. We formed a group in only a few short days. A group that proceeded to cause havoc in anyway imaginable, including randomly quoting Stewie from Family Guy throughout the day. All is not lost however since we plan to keep in touch and get together as often as possible. We all exchanged information. After I left the campus, I went to the salon and got a new hair cut. I supose it looks decent. There isn't much going on the write about... but State Finals is approching ever more rapidly, I am beginning to get nervous. We have had several decoration meetings, another is tonight as a matter of fact. The decorations are coming along rather well, aside from the fact that one quilifier's father seems unaware of the fact that he has no artist ability whatsoever. He continues to draw things out and insist that we use his design and my mother is forced to recify each mulitated design he comes up with. It is the sad truth that we all live with. Perhaps tonight will be an improvement.

Tearing Away

swornsisterrei — 2005-06-30T08:06:42-05:00

Things have declined rapidly over the last day. My mount for State Finals has developed a lameness in his left front leg. Despite all I have tryed, I cannot find the source of his pain, nor do I have the money to ask an expert for help in the diagnosis. My sworn sister has spent the last week in the realm of FFXI and I have been unable to reach her, and my boyfriend has been out of my reach for the last two weeks and I am growing impatient. I have realized that I am truely a high maintainence type and I require, not money being spent on me, but contact, which he has been unable or unwilling to provide. I fear that if I do not hear some word from him soon I shall be forced to end it. I hate to do it, mostly because I enjoy his company and he is my sworn's brother but I fear that it is necessary. Things within my place of dwelling have not been pleasent either. The divorce that my mother is going through has brought suffering upon us all. The financial strain has us all in a bind. If this isn't enough to be getting on with, my ex is still calling, e-mailing, and otherwise trying to drive me out of my mind. I only have so much sanity left, and he is determend to tear away what I have left. I seek shelter from this stress I am being bombarded with.......

Progress

swornsisterrei — 2005-07-03T08:07:43-05:00

Things are beginnning to look brighter. My horses leg isn't swollen anymore, so I am assuming that it will be ok to run on this coming Thursday at State Finals. I ever took him out of his stall to make sure his movements were correct and I ended up taking him for a trail ride around the block. This is, in itself, a simple thing to do, but there are many hazards in my neighborhood including, in the light of the looming holiday, two people who were riding around on a yellow ATV and hurling firecrackers at people. I encountered them on my ride, but I was pasted by, spared to ride another day. My boyfriend returned sometime this day, but I have yet to hear from him. I supose part the reason behind this is because I have been online for quite some time now. He leaves for Miami tommorow along with my sworn sister. I hope they have a good time and enjoy themselves, but I regret that he will not be here to see myself and my horse perform on Thursday. I'm hoping for the best, and for a Regionals qualification.

Just a quick few words.....

swornsisterrei — 2005-07-05T08:07:53-05:00

My mother disappoints me. I feel right now as though I cannot rely on her for even the simplest tasks. Today, I couldn't even trust her to make a phone call she said she would make for me. I would have made the phone call, but I was at work and thereby, not in a position to make any phone calls whatsoever. Why is it that the people that are the closest to you are most often the ones that let you down? I leave for State Finals tommorow.... I hope I can do my best there. Enter the weekend warrior.......

Victorious Return!

swornsisterrei — 2005-07-07T09:07:43-05:00

I have returned from my two days at the 4-H State Finals horse show. Yesterday, my family and myself awoke early in the morning and made our preperations. A hour later, we arrived at the show grounds where we hastenly settled my mount, Ed, into his pre-assigned stall and unloaded all of my tack and his food. When everyone representing our county arrived, we set about decorating our barn area. That in itself took the better part of the day, and in the summer heat, was a very daunting task. Afterwards, all of us that were running the speed events the next day saddled up and went to the indoor arena to work our horses and do any last minute turning-up that we found was needed. After this was a hastly clean up, a diner amoung friends, and a night in a hotel sharing a bed with my cousin that proceeded to keep me awake the entire night with her infernal snoring. It was incredably tempting to kick her... but I mastered the urge. In the morning, we awoke at seven in order to prepare ourselves and our horses for the first event at nine o'clock. I was ready early, which is normal since my mother finds it nessecary to be early evey place we go. Here is a rather brief summary of how all my runs went and an explanation of the events if you are unfamilar with them:
Keyhole: In the center of the arena, there is a chalked out circle with and opening that makes it look exactly like an old keyhole. The object of the event is to run your mount up into the "keyhole," turn around, and run out without stepping outside the lines, which equals a disqualification. The fastest time wins. I had a particularly good run in this event today, running (in seconds) a 8.4, and coming in eighth of fifty-three riders.
Stake Race: Two poles are set up, one in direct line with the other. The object is to run about the poles in an "s" formation without hitting either pole, resulting in a five second penalty. The fastest time wins. My run in this class was not as good as it has been in the past. I shut down on my horse before crossing the timer line, and thereby, he slowed down and I unfotunatly cost us at least a second of our time. We didn't place here.
Poles: Six poles are set up in a single, straight line. The object is to run up one side of the pattern, weave down the poles, weave back up the poles, then run back down the arena on the opposite side that you originally ran up. Hitting a pole is a five second penalty, the fastest time wins. I had my first clean (no knock-downs) run in this event for a long time today, I even got compliments later on in the day about how nice my pattern was. I ran a 25 and I placed eleventh out of thirty-two riders.
Barrels: Three barrels are set up in a triangular pattern, one on each corner of the trianlge. The object of the event is to run a clover-leaf shaped pattern around each of the barrels. Hitting a barrel is a five second penalty, once again, the fastest time wins. My run in this event was very good, except for the fact that I hit the second barrel. I knew I was going to coming out of the first-one, but I didn't have enough time to move my sixteen hand horse over, especailly when he was running as fast as he could. I didn't place, but I had a good time of a 19 plus the five seond penalty.
Though I could have placed more and done a better job representing my county, I was happy with how the day went. No one got hurt, we all stayed in our saddles, and we were all good sportsmen. I couldn't have asked for a better turn-out.

Today's Society.... a Shame

swornsisterrei — 2005-07-12T08:07:18-05:00

First off, I would like to appologize in advance for the ranting that I am about to commit. This afternoon I decided to take a leizurely ride around the block on my paint gelding, Cisco. As I rounded a corner, I noticed a group of guys standing outside in their front yard chatting. I thought nothing of it. If a bunch of twenty year old guys want to stand outside their place of residence, then what am I to do about? By the time I had turned the corner, they noticed me, and to my shock and amazement, yelled out at me "HEY BITCH!" Now, this leads me to several questions. Who in their right way of thinking would respond to that in a positive way? Has today's society sunk so low that this is the new way men court women? They call them profane names and hope for a date? What happened to men swooning women and treating us like princesses? Am I being nieve to think that there may still be men with manners out there somewhere? If you have an opinion on this please let me know.

Exile

swornsisterrei — 2005-07-19T12:07:15-05:00

Have you ever awaken to find a new day, but feel that it would be better if you went back to sleep. Today, when I woke, I felt this feeling immediatly, but of course, there was a lot for me to do, so I had no choice but to crawl out of bed and continue with my day. Throughout the day, I thought I was merely being paronoid as everything was going well. Then, at about ten this evening, my mother approached me and solemly informed me that the school she worked at had gone bankrupt, and was closing. That's all she had to tell me, I put two and two together and realized that as of Wednesday, she will become one of the many unemployed people this country houses. You may be thinking, "It's not that bad, her father still works." Well, my father is a lying, cheating, bastard that's currantly living under the roof of the whore he left my mother for, and he doesn't exacty honor the child-support system and the divorce isn't final yet so there's no alimony (sp?) either. This, of course, leaves the questions: how do the bills get paid? how do we purchase food? I only earn a meger sixty dollars a week at my part-time job. I am of no help in the long run. My grandparents will surely help, but they have their own problems to be getting on with, they can only help so much. My mother has one more paycheck.... then it's all up to fate. "May luck be a lady."

R&R

swornsisterrei — 2005-07-20T09:07:05-05:00

After the stress of my mother's job loss, the never ending ringing of the phone, and pushy employers, I found today, that ironically enough, laughter is the best medicine. I spent the first several hours of my day this morning battling with telemarketers, people requesting my mother, and mysterious unknown numbers that seemed to never be one the other end when I opened the line. To make this worse, I was asleep each time the phone rang, roughly ten minutes apart. I was already stressed because of my mothers job loss, and I had spent the better part of my night reading the sixth Harry Potter book so this put a serious damper on my plans to sleep late. As I shuffled through the house in my zombie-like state, one of my sworn sisters called and entertained me briefly with a tale of good humor that involved herself and her boyfriend from Germany. I was in a more cheerful mood after this. Later in the day, I logged onto the internet where my boyfriend and I made plans to venture to the mall. I must say that I am indebted to him at this time. After a disasterous conversation with my ex in which he learned more than I would have prefered him to at this time (and I certainly didn't want him to learn of it in that maner), he remained calm, and to my great surprise, didn't seem to pass any negative judgement over me. Indeed he acted the same as he normally does in my presence today, to which I was greatly relieved. I rather enjoyed my day, now that I look back on it. It was very restful and relaxing. There was even a beautiful full moon to enjoy when I was making my way back home. What could be better than this?

Back in the Mode

swornsisterrei — 2005-07-28T10:07:09-05:00

It is a mere six days before school starts in this forsaken land..... not an event that I find myself looking forward to. I still have not completed the three projects that my AP English class requires of me. I don't know how I shall even find a way to complete this in the first place. There has been so much required of me of late that I find myself constantly moving and not finding any time for myself. I have horses to train and keep in shape, appointments, orientation for school, work, and friends that, though I love spending time with them, ask much of me. I have decided that my time should be rationed on a "first come first serve" basis... however I doubt that my desicion will hold for very long. I fear that when school hits, the entire schedule that I have set up will be shattered. As much as I hate to admit to it, I am a schedule oriented person. I find myself running on a mental clock unstop. I can only hope that school does not leave me broken and unable to complete the tasks that I find joy in. Here's to summer.

Stress

swornsisterrei — 2005-08-02T03:08:05-05:00

As much as I hate to admit to this, school is already claiming the best of me. I have until 6:30am tommorow to complete a project that must be turned into school upon my arrival tommorow morning. My first day of school is proving to be one in which I will suffer. I cannot describe how my hope falls everytime I look at a clock and realize that tommorow I will once again be sitting in a class and attempting to learn what the teacher is forcing down my throat. To make matters worse, my boyfriend is demanding more time of me then ever before. His sworn brothers have come to stay at his place of dwelling and apperantly request to meet me. I would like to venture to his home and meet the very people that I have heard so much about for so long, but I cannot find the time to do anything that I wish to do aside from exist. He even made an ordeal about this very day being our 2nd month anniversery. Yes, this is nice and it pleases me to know that I have held onto a nice guy for that long, but it is not the most important of anniverseries. If I could see him I would, and he does not seem to understand this simple truth. I cannot make more time..... though I wish I could. I can only hope that school tommorow and this accursed project do not strip me of my sanity.

Education.... Why Exactly?

swornsisterrei — 2005-08-18T07:08:31-05:00

It has indeed been awhile. School has come once again this year and it has forced everything back and placed itself in the most optimal position to torment me and my fellow school-goers. Just this week was I able to resume my riding program and begin writing in my stories once more. My sworn, Monica's, boyfriend from the far far land of Germany is returning to his native land tomorrow by plane. Monica sent him off with a "going away party" and because of this, she convinently forgot that she was required to give me a ride home. The vet was to arrive at 2 and 30 and she was not at the school to pick me up. As I was begining the long and laborous walk to my grandmother's place of residence, I was relived to see an old sworn that I had unfortunatly lost contact with over the years. I promised her money for gas and substinance in exchange for a ride home. Though it was quite out of her way, she complided and we ended up spending the afternoon merrily chatting and doing some much needed catching up. The day was not a complete disappointment.

Newly Discovered Truth and Renewed Hope

swornsisterrei — 2005-09-10T09:09:18-05:00

    I realized today why I used to like riding English so much. It all began earlier in the week when I debated with myself for ten full minutes as to whether or not I should ride English just to be doing it. I decided against it, but when I went to work today and my employer was putting on a Dressage clinic- it was the final straw. I could not wait to return to my home, saddle up, and ride in my english tack. I enjoy it because it is a challege. I have to work to stay in form- not merely sit in the saddle and go. There is something exilerating about riding a hand-gallop in a half-seat. I could feel my horse charging beneath me and felt almost as though I was one with the great beast- one-thousand plus pounds of muscle and power.
    I gave up on ever seriously competing in English and jumping classes months ago, but today- thanks to another perk at my degrading job- I have hope again. I have been offered Dressage lessons and I have been offered to be treated to a free, clinic ride with an Olympic medalist. My job may drain me of my sanity, but I could not ask for kinder employers. I will attend next month's clinic and I fully intend to take a lesson or so. This is my first step to Three-Day-Eventing! I cannot wait to attend the lessons and clinics and accually begin shaping myself into a better rider. This hope refreshes my weary bones.
    I fear all of this has come at a price however- and it is no small fee. I reclined an offer to spend the day with my boyfriend, Abraham, so that I could ride. I attended a movie with him only yesterday and I can see him tomorrow, but I fear that I have hurt him by placing my horse before him. If you are reading this, you must think me crazy. I feel that my future is in the horse industry- just like my past. I don't know how long I will be dating Abraham, but I know that if I can help it, I will always own and compete with horses. I enjoy my time with Abraham very much, but I don't know for a fact that my time with him will matter in the long run. It probably won't..... like the song by Rammstein says:

"Bewahret einander vor                           "Save each other from
Herzeleid                                                 heartache
denn kurz ist die Zeit                              for the times that you
die ihr beisammen seid                           are together are short

Denn wenn euch auch                              For even if you are
viele Jahre vereinen                                 united for many years
einst werden sie wie                              one day they will seem
Minuten euch Scheinen                            like minutes to you

Herzeleid                                                Heartache

Bewahret einander vor                              Save eachother from
der Zweisamkeit"                                    togetherness."

We are all alone in the end- all is temperary.

Pleasentries

swornsisterrei — 2005-09-11T10:09:45-05:00

I ventured forth to visit the object of my affections today. I noticed during my visit that a strange feeling seems to have found a pleasant home amoung us. We seem more content to just spend time together than before, more happy to merely see eachother. It seems we are at a turning point into something deeper, I can not pretend to understand or be certain however. Only time will tell.

Another Day In This Place Called "Home"

swornsisterrei — 2005-09-16T03:09:13-05:00

    Today was yet another day filled with trying events and painful trials. They all are, are they not? Don't we all find ourselves trudging through our own battles of sorts from day to day?
    After the extensive exercise class I was forced through yesterday, I woke this moring after my sparse five hours of sleep with stiff and aching legs that refused to let me move properly. I don't usually complain when put through pain, but the fact that my muscles seem to rip everytime I move to sit or stand bothers me in an extreme amount. I had several tests that I fear I failed since I was unable to study properly because of the vast amount of homework assigned to me last night.
    On a lighter note, the lack of sleep seemed to cause the opposite effect then what would be expected. My body seemed to rebel against the exhaustion and push itself farther, leaving me with unexplainable energy. This coupled with the pep-rally has me set to venture forth to the football game tonight and cause havoc with my sworns. My sworn, Alyson's, brother somehow managed to aquire the Distubed CD that is yet to come out and transfered it onto my MP3 today during lunch. I have yet to pass judgement on it......
    My mother announced this morning that she would allow me to dye the undersides of my hair black. I rejoice! She finally allows me to do something that I want to do without forcing me to badger her for uncounted hours! Granted I must pay for the expenses myself, but I still refuse to be discouraged by that simple fact. If I may dare as much as to say.... It will be bitchin'

Colorful Days

swornsisterrei — 2005-09-18T08:09:27-05:00

My hair turned out just as I expected. I am very pleased with the results. I must say that I think it to look very good. The sworns, Monica and Amanda, also dyed theirs in the same manner. We are truely sworn sisters now, in looks and in mind. The accual dying of our hair was an intresting experience as well, considering it was very difficult to rinse just the bottom halves of our hair in the sink. Afterwards we ventured out to the mall. While there, I was shocked to see a companion of mine from Driver's Ed. It has indeed been awhile since I had seen him. It was a joyful reunion. Marcus is a very interesting personality, he is fun to accompany- even if sometimes he does things that as less then acceptable.
My boyfriend, Abraham, returned from caring for his father today and we could not help but find time to see each other. We journeyed to the far city of Lakeland and enjoyed Starbucks and reading at the Barnes and Noble. I had a very enjoyable time in his company just like I always do. I still sense a shift in our realtionship that I can not explain or describe. Either way, I find myself enjoying our time together more than usually and find myself uncapable to be satistfied by the amount of time I get with him. I fear I have become addicted.

Wingless Flight

swornsisterrei — 2005-09-23T08:09:13-05:00

    My week has ended on a beautiful high note.
    Though the week did go by at an alarming rate, I still found it odd to arrive home this evening with no school work to do. I was content to spend my free time admiring my new Dover saddlery catelog with Monica for some time, (many new products that I find wuite appealing), but when the time came for her to leave, I was once again left with no task to fill my time. Just before I drifted into a boredom-induced slumber, my boyfriend called me and his good conversation proved to fill the void until such a time that I was needed elsewhere.
    By elsewhere, I mean outside. Due to rising homework levels, I have been kept from my horseback riding duties for far to long, nye on a fortnight. I deciced that I would try working my chosen mount, Ed, over a low vertical fence (18 inches). I wasn't expecting much from him, having not worked over fences for some months, but he, once again, proved to me his worth by jumping clean straight through without even paying the brightly colored fence much mind. I am truely in awe of that horse's talent.

The Abyss

swornsisterrei — 2005-09-24T10:09:15-05:00

I have examined the situations from all sides, all angles, and perspectives. I have been told that this was supposed to bring about understanding. I cannot, however, find this understanding or any contentment with the situations for that matter. Perhaps I am merely being emotionally overburdened, perhaps all my fears and insecurites are well grounded. I cannot tell. I don't have the courage to say anything. There is nothing for me to do.....

Some Information

swornsisterrei — 2005-09-26T09:09:39-05:00

I seem to find myself disappointed, which in some way led to boredom... therefore I decided to put this completely random information on here for those that do not know this about me.

(x) been in love
(x) been dumped
( ) shoplifted
( ) been fired

( ) snuck out of my parents house
(x) had feelings for someone who didn't have them back
( ) been arrested
( ) made out with a stranger
( ) gone on a blind date

(x) lied to a friend
( ) had a crush on a teacher

(x) skipped school
( ) slept with a coworker
( ) seen someone die

( ) had a crush on one of your MYSPACE friends
( ) been to Canada
( ) been to Mexico
( ) been on a plane
( ) thrown up in a bar

(x) purposely set a part of myself on fire
( ) eaten Sushi
( ) been snowboarding

( ) been moshing at a concert
( ) got drunk

(x) been in an abusive relationship (verbal, physical, or emotional)
(x) love someone or miss someone right now
(x) laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by
( ) made a snow angel

( ) had a tea party
(x) flown a kite
(x) built a sand castle
(x) gone puddle-jumping
(x) played dress up

(x) jumped in a pile of leaves
( ) gone sledding
(x) cheated while playing a game
(x) been lonely
(x) fallen asleep at work/school

( ) used a fake ID
(x) watched the sun set
( ) felt an earthquake
(x) touched a snake

(x) been tickled
(x) been robbed
( ) robbed someone
(x) been misunderstood
(x) pet a reindeer/goat

(x) won a contest
( ) ran a red light
( ) been suspended from school
(x) had detention
(x) been in a car accident

(x) had/have braces
(x) felt like an outcast
( ) eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night
(x) had deja vu
(x) danced in the moonlight

(x) hated the way you look occationally
( ) witnessed a crime
( ) pole danced
(x) questioned your heart
( ) been obssessed with post-it notes

(x) squished barefoot through the mud
(x) been lost
( ) been to the opposite side of the country
(x) felt like dying

(x) cried yourself to sleep
(x) played cops and robbers
(x) recently colored with crayons, colored pencils, or markers
(x) sang karaoke
( ) paid for a meal with only coins
(x) done something you told yourself you wouldn't
( ) made prank phone calls
( ) laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose

( ) caught a snowflake on your tongue
( ) kissed in the rain

( ) written a letter to Santa Claus
( ) been kissed under mistle toe
( ) watched the sun set with someone you care about
(x) blown bubbles
(x) made a bon fire

( ) crashed a party
( ) have traveled more than five days with a car full of people
(x) gone rollerskating/blading
(x) had a wish come true
( ) humped a monkey

( ) worn pearls
( ) jumped off a bridge
(x) screamed penis in public
( ) ate dog/cat food
( ) told a complete stranger you love them
(x) sang in the shower
(x) have a little black dress/skirt
( ) did it in a park
( ) had a dream that you married someone
(x) glued your hand to something

( ) got your tongue stuck to a flag pole
( ) kissed a fish
(x) wore the oppostie sex's clothes
(x) sat on a roof top

( ) had sex at a church
(x) screamed at the top of your lungs
( ) done a one handed cart wheel
(x) talked on the phone for more then five hours
(x) stayed up all night

( ) didn't take a shower for a week
(x) picked and ate a fruit right off the tree
(x) climbed a tree
(x) had a tree house
(x) are scared to watch scary movies alone

(x) believe in ghosts, spirits, or angels
( ) have more than 30 pairs of shoes

( ) wore a really ugly outfit to school just to see what people would say
( ) gone streaking
(x) played ding-dong-ditch
(x) been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on
(x) broken a bone
(x) been easily amused

(x) caught a fish
( ) made porn
( ) caught a butterfly
(x) laughed so hard you cried
( ) cried so hard you laughed

( ) mooned/flashed someone
(x) had someone moon/flash you
(x) cheated on a test
(x) forgetten someone's name
( ) slept naked

( ) french-braided someone's hair
( ) gone skinny-dipping
( ) been kicked out of your house

I have apparently not done many things... I am content with what I have done however.

Infuriating

swornsisterrei — 2005-09-27T09:09:53-05:00

    I have once again come to realize that I cannot rely on my friends for anything more complex then merely speaking to me. All of my sworn sisters have made promises and pledged things to me, only to break those promises and leave their pledges unfulfilled. This does nothing but cause me to demonstrate my short temper. I do not enjoy being angry, on the contrary I would much rather live peacefully, especially amoung my friends. This desire, unfortunatly, seems to never become a reality.
    I was driven to two of my old methods of stress relief this day. I found the spare time to start writing in my books again. I'm hoping to start updating them on fanfiction.net and fictionpress.com regulary once again. I took my writting supplies and sat under one of our pine trees until it began to rain. I also found the time to pick up my guitar for the first time in months surely. "Big Red" I call it. I worked on reteaching myself "Stairway to Heaven" and a few other songs that I have missed playing and singing along with. I would have preferred it that I did these things for enjoyment, rather than rage, however.
    Tomorrow, I am hoping to visit my boyfriend when the school has finished with me. I cannot be sure of this, of course, because I have been unable to reach him for the last three days. The reasons behind this are the very things that have me worked into knots. Work and dishonesty. May I God give me strength to spare the souls that have brought me this rage.

Fallen Warrior

swornsisterrei — 2005-10-02T12:10:34-05:00

I mourn the fallen............................

I have just returned from the Lake Wales Hospital of Veternary Medicine. What transpired there is almost too much for me to retell, but I feel that I at least owe it to HIM.
It began this morning, while I was at work. When I called home to inform my mother that I needed to be picked up, I was told that Cisco, my paint gelding, was colicing. For those of you that are unfamilar with the horse industry, colic is a terrible stomache ache in a horse. Most the time, it is caused by blockage in the intestines that can simply be unclogged. This was not the case tonight......
I returned home to find Cisco in a state that seemed merely tired. He would lay on the ground and seem to doze. The vet informed us that as long as he wasn't rolling (thereby risking tangling his intestines) he would be fine. Since he seemed to be fairing well, I ventured out with my sworn, Monica, to the movies and dinner at Olive Garden.
As we pulled out of the parking lot, my mother called... She said that I needed to get home "NOW." Cisco was colicing again and Dr. Ryland was out at the house. I was greeted upoun returning home by the vet, standing solemnly with Cisco who was panting and sweating heavely in the cool air. I hussled around, keeping calm, as we prepered to bring him to the vet's office. Then I made the mistake of asking what Dr. Ryland had said. "A bump" my mother replied. There was a bump in his intestines. I knew things were bad.
We made it to the equine center at the office and quickly put Cisco in the shoot and hooked him up to an IV. I don't know the exact measurment, but two large bags of fluid were hooked up to him.
I have never seen something so terrible. I lost myself as I watched the gelding, a strong, stocky horse with iron-like muscles and will, tremble with pain. His eyes were glazed and I could see the pain in them. I could not help but cry. Dr. Ryland gave him pain killers, and I watched in terror as his legs trembled and threatened to buckle and send him to the rubber matted floor. I was as helpless along with him. I could do nothing and it drove me insane with sorrow. Tears followed freely and freash each time his legs threatened to buckle.
At ten-thirty, in one last deserate attempt to ease the now diagnosed twisted intestine, Dr. Ryland gave Cisco enough pain medication to numb him for an operation. It wore off in ten minutes. The doctor them solemnly told us that there was nothing else he could do tonight, if we wanted to go home, and that he would take care of everything. I was almost asleep, so I failed to catch his meaning. Then, I asked my mother what was going on. She solemnly turned around, tears in her eyes, and told me "He's putting him down, Sis.'' I cried as I haven't in years. I barely managed to walk back to Cisco, ask for scissors, and cut part of his mane. I could hardly bare to just driving away, the empty trailer behind us. I gripped my lock of mane so tightly my hand went numb.
I was still pouring tears when I arrived at home, only for them to rain harder while seeing Ed search wildly for Cisco in the pasture. He had torn part of his stall apart while we were gone, and when I turned him out, he tore through the pasture, whinnying at the top of his lungs. It was more then I could bare.....
I will remember him though, not as the weak, suffering animal I saw at the vet's office- but as the fighter he was... He was the strongest horse I've ever seen. Right until the end, when the pain was unbarable and his stress level was a ten (when it should have been a 1 or 2) he remained standing and fought it with all of his being, every fiber. He was beautiful even in the end.

Cisco... may you rest in peace, and graze in the greenest pastures of heaven.

Feeling Lighter

swornsisterrei — 2005-10-02T08:10:36-05:00

    My mood has improved somewhat since I last wrote. I had a 4-H officer meeting today. I travled to it with Monica and her conversation served to improve my mood. I had to retell the horrifying story, but I found myself strangly hollow. I found that my rival has quit 4-H. I was delighted, it does not serve the club well to be defiled by her membership.
    After the meeting, Monica and I traveled to the local Wal-Mart to purchase some comfort food in the form of German chocolate. "Milka." If you have not tried it, I suggest you do. I was further pleased that my boyfriend was working today and I was able to visit him. Right after I told him the story and was once again on the brink of tears, Monica rode up to us on a bright pink child's bicycle with training wheels and streamers. I am fortunate to have friends like her, that tolerate my down-times and try so hard to pull me out, even if that means riding around a department store, embarassing themselves.
    .... I have decided to frame Cisco's lock of hair. I think I shall glue or tape it down in such a way that it swirls or appears to be blowing in the breeze. I cut part that held both black and white, so I should be able to do it some justice, maybe mount it on blue paper. Perhaps I could even use pictures of him in the frame as well. It should turn out well.

Dinning Delight

swornsisterrei — 2005-10-07T02:10:46-05:00

I ventured today to the returant, The Olive Garden, to eat a peaceful meal with my special someone. It was a wonderful dinner with good conversation. I can't really say that much bonding was involved, but it was enjoyable none-the-less. Afterwards, we journeyed to Blockbuster to rent a movie to watch tommorow. I also picked up a video game by the name of "Fable." I have been questing for this game for quite some time. I played the first stage and enjoyed it so far. The graffics are beautiful.

Tomorrow I plan on spending a peaceful day at home for the first time in weeks. I have no school, as tomorrow is a student holiday, and I shall be able to sleep in as long as I desire. I am looking forward to this very much. I may go to Abraham's to watch the movie he rented for me, but that has yet to be decided.

I am also pleased to announce that my household has finally aquired DSL. Verizon to be specific. I can hardly believe the speed I can manuver about the web at and the things I have become capable of doing.....

Guard your computers well.............. :)

The Three Day

swornsisterrei — 2005-10-09T09:10:13-05:00

I enjoyed my first three day weekend in several months these last days. It started with movies and ended with horses. I truely enjoyable way to spend my time.

I started the weekend off rather fouly- having an arguement with Abraham. The balm to our wound in the relationship was a trip to his house and watching "Super Troopers." I had never seen the movie, and laughing together brought us even closer then before the agruement.

Yesterday, while I was saddling my horse, Ed, my sworn sister, Monica, drove up. She was bored at home and decided to stop by. She helped me with my riding form, watching and telling me things to work on. I learned that I need to keep my shoulders straighter and I found that I need to work on my timing to fences. I get a bit ahead still. I feel that I am doing well however, I have only been riding English for a year and jumping for eight monthes. I have ridden Western since before I could remember and the translation has been difficult but well worth it. My connection with my horse is better then even. Monica ended up staying the night as well, and we watched flash videos online well into the morning.

Today, after putting in a hard five hours at work filling in stalls, I came home with every intention to rest and do homework. Neither have happened. I ventured with Monica to the local Tractor Supply to purchase fly spray and feed then onward to her home to watch the flash video she is creating in honor of her beloved in Germany. It is very good, I admire her skill.

Here's to hoping this week is worthy of waking to....

The Sworns Are Given Titles

swornsisterrei — 2005-10-11T04:10:31-05:00

Today, while conversing with my sworn sister, Amanda, we finally decided on the much needed titles of the sworn sisters. They are as follows:

Monica- The Dragon-Tongued. We decided on this firstly because Monica is very gifted with any language she chooses to learn. When she applies herself, she excels in any language. Dragons of old are rumored to have been gifted with many languages. We chose this secondly because of her eloquence. She is able to convience anyone of nearly anything.

Alyson- The Bone Master. This has a less dignified origin, but a noble ending. It sprang from the fact that it appears as though every guy that meets her develops a "boner" for her. That is the main reason for choosing this title for her, but secondly because she is a master of dead things. She gives advice while being dead of emotion and has much advice on dead relationships. Emotion doesn't sway her, only facts.

Amanda- The Iron Breastplate. Yet another title of questionable origin. It began beceause of her formidable breasts that make all others inferior. Like Alyon's title however, it has a double meaning. She is the armor of our group. Trouble and hard times are no stranger to her, and she stands before us all, taking the hits and helping us be strong, like armor.

Myself- The Rectifying Flame. My title is fairly simple. I am the recifier of false truths. I speak without remorse and with the harshness of flame. It originated from my job however... recitfying stalls. It evolved as the others did however to the truth behind the truth. I mercilessly set things right.

The Quartering Act

swornsisterrei — 2005-10-14T09:10:23-05:00

These last days have been fairly laid back and uneventful. I have found myself more content to sit back and watch the clouds then ever before... at least within my memory. I have been so care-free that I hardly feel like myself, however it is a pleasent feeling.

Wednesday, I decided to surprise my dearest Abraham by getting a ride with Monica the Dragon Tongued and going to his house right after school. I was shocked to find that he was leaving for class at the college early and afterwards was going to leave for his sworn brothers' home in Tampa. I was some what upset by this, as I cannot be in contact with him while he is there and when he does return on Saturday morning, I will not be able to truely get in touch with him until Wednesday. Without any convincing however, he decided to stay later and we got a good few hours of "us time" before he was required to take me home and go to college.

After spending time with Abraham and having rather deep discussions and more passionate moments, I was feeling light and airy on Thursday. I was surprised because the thing that usually brings that kind of glow to a person didn't occur. We have not reached that point and are in no hurry... at least I am not. I was able to stay awake despite my dire need of sleep that has dragged on all week. I was quiet surprised about this. Nothing of great importance happened this day, but I was very relaxed- in fact so relaxed that I was putting off my homework, a thing that often comes first in every case.

Today was very much like Thursday. I meandered through the day with a light heart, returning home to relax in the company of Monica while discussing the show bill for the first District qualifly horse show in November. She is rather disappointed with the way that things are being run this year by the horse advisory and I must agree. There has never been a grounds fee at local 4-H shows until this year and the Dressage tests have never been an extra five dollars to enter. We also debated the dominace of Quarter Horses in all the classes. This is a very serious problem, as hunters are not supposed to move like western pleasure horses and they are unfairly judged in that manner. After she left to toil in the very barn that I suffer in on the weekends, I went out into the fresh air to give Ed a light workout. He was spirited today and even bucked once while cantering circles. I laughed it off however, Autumn is finally coming, something that I believe contributed to my light-heartedness as well as his. Afterwards, we halfed a tangerine straight off the tree in my backyard that has come into season for the first time this year. Halfing is not true accually. I only kept 1/4 to myself and gave him the other 3/4. He is a wonderful animal, worth every penny I have to spend to keep him going. Feed, de-sander, farrier, de-wormer, and joint supplement.

Tomorrow, Monica and I are venturing to my place of work at two and thirty (a second time after my original job in the morning) to take a Dressage lesson with a USDF bronze, silver, and gold medalist. We are going to pay fifty and five dollars to take a lesson with her. I find myself very nervous about this. Dressage is a very pretigious sport and I am by no means up to the standard. I am not a bad rider, but Dressage requires perfect union between horse and rider. I can only hope that I can wake promptly and make the most of my busy day tomorrow.

The Men and Women of the Horse

swornsisterrei — 2005-10-15T11:10:06-05:00

Today was nearly perfect. I came to this conclusion riding home from Brandon with Monica the Dragon Tongued, looking out at the soft moon in night sky, the crisp air blowing in through the opened window. I also realized that I find myself enjoying the company of "horse people" more than that of "people people." True horse people with true and deep connections to their mounts are deeper themselves. I have yet to truely understand this myself, but I shall with time.

My day had a fair begining. I had a difficult time waking up, but the thought of the approaching dressage clinic spurred me onward. I managed to stumble into my place of employment nearly twenty minutes early, a delightful figure. I was soon even more pleased when I noticed that all the horses had already been fed and were nearly done eating, saving me a good hour of work and waiting. I quickly put the horses out to their paddocks and mucked out the stalls, pausing only for the occasionaly brief conversation with a border or a rider from another barn who was attended the clinic. I finished an hour or so earlier than usual and was able to watch part of a lesson before my mother arrived to take me back home. I even had the pleasure of meeting Greta Wringley, the master of the day and USDF gold, silver, and bronze medalist, before my lesson earlier in the day.

I returned home, eat a skimpy lunch, loaded Ed into the horse trailer, and left to pick Monica up on the way back to the barn for my forty and five minute, fifty and five dollar lesson. We arrived without incedent, saddled up, and warmed our horses up together in the dressage ring- Greta was giving a small child a lesson in the round pen. Both of our horses were fresh, and Ed was charging trying to race Monica's young mare, Hannah. Despite this, I was enjoying the good weather and company. Before long, and perhaps earlier than I had hoped, my time came. Greta was very kind to me, helping me with every movemet that she asked of me. I was very nervous at first and unconsiously clenched Ed's sides, but she helped me calm myself with this as well and seemed to thoroughly understand. She had me complete a lot of work on lateral movement (making the horse's legs cross as they move sideways) by having me work circles around cones in the dressage arena and cueing Ed to make larger circles while keeping his body bent in an arc. So we essentialy worked on Ed's flexablitiy to help with keeping his head bent in the correct position and his back arced properly. Monica worked on much of the same things.

After a grulling ride, Monica and I along with her sister and her sister's friend went to a large tack store out of town to purchase some things that we realized we needed after the clinic. I needed a different type of bit, and Monica required new spurs, since she lost hers and Hannah needs them to be more responsive to cues. In the end, I also bought a new saddle pad to show in, throughly draining me of all my cash. My employer is taking the cost of the clinic out of my pay for this week, leaving me with a pathetic five dollars. We all stopped at McDonald's after our shopping and purchased ice cream, then crossed the highway for Checker's fries. Upon a dare, Monica yelled into the drive-through box "I WANT FOUR SMALL FRIES NOOOOW!" in a demonic voice. This was quite amusing, I laughed until I cried. I then discovered that holding hot fries out of the windows cools them more efficiently then blowing on them with one's breath. This the was the mode of cooling the rest of the way home.

I can think of only one thing that this day needed to become perfect... I disappoint myself for thinking this, I fear I have grown weak. If I could have spent some time with Abraham, then this day would have been as close to perfect as possible.

Emotional Band-aide

swornsisterrei — 2005-10-21T11:10:10-05:00

I cannot lie, today was the most emotionally stressful day that I have had the misfortune of living through for quite some time. As the day wore on however, I also became aware a few simple truths that have stared me in the face since the beginning. How I just now came to notice them is beyond me. I supose the story really began over the last week. When this Wednesday dawned, humid and discusting due to the approaching devil-storm, it had been an entire week since I had last seen my Abraham. We spent both Wednesday and Thursday afternoon together, eating out and watching movies. Things went downhill from there. When I arrived at Abraham's house this afternoon for one final day before his employment separtes us until the next Wednesday, he was in a foul mood. I tried my best to bring him good cheer, but it only resulted in me nearly going home, believing myself to be unwanted there. It was a long difficult conversation which led me to believe that there is more going on under Abraham's skin than he allows me to see. When things were settled, he was still in a foul mood. I allowed him to attempt to get some rest in the form of a much needed nap. I retreated behind the lines to retrive my Iron Breatplate. I needed some ease to my pain. Things began crashing down onto me, and I realized that once again I have let myself fall to easily. I have allowed myself to be swept away on the good times, unable to stand up to the bad. Amanda stepped up to the challenge of comforting her near to tears companion. After plundering through her room in her preparation to leave to her boyfriend's house, she discovered a box of band-aides. We then began to randomly stick band-aides across our faces and ended up having them over our eyes, throats, and cheeks. It was highly amusing. We then progresed into the bathroom where Amanda decided to wax her bikini line. This is of course highly painful, and the agonized cries had me laughing until I fell on the ground crying. I love that girl, she's great. After Amanda left for her boyfriend's house, I woke Abraham. I suppose the sight of me in all my band-aided glory cheered him up because the rest of the evening went by without a hitch. We had a very good time together, laughing and carrying on. I cannot deny however, how hopelessly and horriblely I have fallen. This cannot be corrected either. I can only pray that he feels even the slightest bit like I find myself feeling or that he will at least understand. I have fallen too far down to climb out myself.

The Yearling

swornsisterrei — 2005-10-31T03:10:51-05:00

Yesterday I attended the one year birthday party of my cousin's son... I have come to realize that spending time with my family is not nearly as tedious as I had originally thought. We have so many time honored traditions that we follow. More people should have families like mine, all sitting down together from meals and spending good quailty time together that all may enjoy.

I suffered through a very difficult day at work. Though the air was crisp and cool and I was enjoying the breeze that cut through my light coat, I was guarding my life the enter time I was there. I was nearly kicked in the head by one of the boarder's horses and one of the horses owned by my employer nearly broke my hip by forcing me into wooden corner post on a fence. It is quite bruised. After all this, I still did not recieve my pay. Given the currant events that I will describe later, it is becoming increasingly important that I receive my pay on time. I fear that I will have to confront my employer.

Afterwards, I returned home, changed into some decent clothing, and journeyed to my Aunt Polly and Uncle Hughe's home. The party was being held for the first born son of my cousin Sarah, Riley. Everything went well, the poor child ended up putting his hands in his cake, then crying and shaking his hands trying to rid himself of the icing. This was of course quite entertaining. After the party was winding down and guests began to leave, my aunt and uncle called me outside and, to my shock, presented me with a car. It is the small, green '97 Saturn Sport Mini Coup that belonged to my older cousin Jessica. It is a fairly nice car, dark tinting and a CD player, I think I shall enjoy it while I have it. I must buy a tag for it, and get insurence on it before I am able to drive it however. There is also the obsticle of the driver's test, but this is not a very daunting task I am told.

After the excitment, of the morning, I spent the evening with the sworns at the mall, Monica the Dragon-Tongued and Amanda the Iron Breastplate. We arrived at the mall and hour and a half too early for the movie and intertained ourselves by taking comical pictures and running about the empty theater like the possesed. The movie we viewed was a "chick-flick," Elizabethtown with Orlando Bloom. It is a very good movie and it comes highly recommended by all the sworns.

Despite all this joy, I know fear and worry. Abraham has been taxing his mind over some matter for nearly a week now (perhaps longer, I cannot be certain). The worst part of this situation is the fact that he refuses to tell me what is going on. I cannot do a thing to comfort and help if I do not know what is ailling him. All I know is that there is a situation that requires a decition to be made, may he make the right choice in what ever the matter may be.

Tribute to Boredom and Random Information

swornsisterrei — 2005-11-01T04:11:18-05:00

I find myself once again giving in to boredom, so I'm filling out this survey I found on a random blog while listening to music. Here:

Name: Samantha, commonly called Rei

Age: 16

Right or left: Right, like nearly everyone else

Favourite shape: squigally lines.... ^_^'

College: perhaps in 1 1/2 years

Favourite animal: I like all of them really, can't choose just one but the tops have to be horses, dogs, and cats

Number: 80... Yes I agree- strange

Best friends: Amanda and Monica shout outs to you guys!

Colours: red and black

Crayon: ..... what does this thing mean?

4 words friends have described you with: crazy, phsyco, wierd, lame XD

Favourite drink: sweet tea!

Want to become in the future: not sure on the job... but a Grand Prix Eventer for sure!

Hobbies: horseback riding, reading, writing, playing guitar, getting by with minimal effort

Favourite place: anywhere but here

Piercings: one in each ear, and my belly button... hopefully more in the ears soon

Tattoos: ONE DAY!!!!

Most treasured item: couldn't say

Favourite season: winter and fall

Movies: FFVII Advent Children... it's glorious

Music: mostly metal and the classics

Likes: many things, anime, riding horses, driving with the windows down and the music blaring, acting stupid in public

Dislikes: stereotypes and people who use them, dishonesty, school -_-'

Favourite memory so far: coming out of the mall with Abraham, Monica, Julian, and Amanda and walking the wrong way around so it took about an hour to get to the car! XD it was so much fun we nearly did it again just for the hell of it. We cut up soo badly and it was nearly midnight so the guards where following us... HAHA!

Unreturned

swornsisterrei — 2005-11-03T12:11:46-05:00

I have debated with myself, researched, and inquired. The answer could not be more clear. Though this feeling budding in my heart of hearts that I once thought dead is indeed new and weak- it is still there and there it will remain. I can not shake it and this disappoints me. I have indeed become weak and lost sight of all the things that I had once learned. There is a very good reason why I should not forget these lessons or loose those memories. I could not tolerate learning them once more. What's more, things seem to be repeating themselves. God forgive me.

I am alone in this once more...............

Salt in the Wound

swornsisterrei — 2005-11-03T04:11:33-05:00

Here I sit, feeling very down. My friends would scowl at me and declare my currant state "emo." The truth is, I have been worn very thin, and I doubt they will understand. So much responsibilty has been burdened on my frail shoudlers, I buckle under the weight and treck on- up the next mountain.

The final straw fell on me when I finally managed to find my way home this afternoon. I decided to call Abraham while I cleaned only to have my suspitions confirmed. He does not care. He could not make it more noticable. He mere demeanor screams it. I have indeed been blinded- but I cast the blindfold aside. Now I have yet another momumentous decision to make.

"Dressed to Depress"

Coming Home

swornsisterrei — 2005-11-05T09:11:57-05:00

I never made my decision, instead I choose to allow things to continue until I have reason to acess the subject again. In light of what has gone on lately, I can not be blame for this- it has been the mood of things.

The night of Thursday, my mothers special someone came, along with Abraham and we all got introduced and my mother was reunited with the one person who has cared for her all this time. For twenty years, this man has loved her. How can I not be optimistic when presented with this? It's living proof that TRUE LOVE really does exist. All this time I have doubted it and denied it's existince, and there it is.

Last night, was the night of the Homecoming dance in my small town. I painstakingly went through the process of getting Abraham approved to go to the dance with me since he doesn't attend my school. He was less then happy about this needless to say. Sarah-my cousin- came over before the dance and fixed my hair and make-up. I was pleased with my hair, but I felt like my face was orange. Everyone assured me that it wasn't... I couldn't say. Perhaps I'm just not used to wearing make-up. At nine, we left to the dance, bound to meet the sworns upoun arrival. He looked very nice I must say. I was proud to call him mine. Once we arrived and met up with everyone, we made our way inside to the thump of the bass and the swarm of people I had to introduce Abraham to. Naturally they had all heard of him- I make no secret of it. It was not long before we made our way out onto the floor. I was surprised when Abraham willingly danced with me (considering how much he was dreading the thought), as soon as I started dancing he came up behind me and joined me. We danced nearly every song and were throughly exhausted when the dance ended at one.

When we left, Abraham treated me to ice cream at the only place that was open- McDonald's. We drove across the highway and ate in the empty seating area of Checkers. He confessed that he had really enjoyed himself. He said he didn't think a dance could be fun, but this one was. I couldn't help but smile and feel a bit gittery. Everything was so great. We took back roads home and pulled over to the side of the road, layed on the hood of his car and just watched the stars. It was so much like a movie, the sky was perfect, the air was cool, and it was so quite. We talked about lots of things, but the time soon came to leave. When I was walking him out, he made a confession.....

"You're the funnest girlfriend I've ever had. And that makes you the best."

............. That was THE girl-i-est entry.... I'm a bit ashamed. -_-'

Antidote Wanted- If Found, Call......

swornsisterrei — 2005-11-15T09:11:06-05:00

Time are indeed trying. Illness, fatigue, stress, relationships all add up to give me one hell of a hard time. I know I often complain that things are difficult, but this time everything has come to a head. My grandmother has even put my on vitamins for my health.... This is a first in my book.

It all began Friday last when I witnessed first hand the drama of the century at the home of my sworn sister Amanda and boyfriend Abraham. In their frantic search for Abraham's car keys so we could verture to the movie theater, Abraham and Dayan discovered a pair of boxers under Amanda's mattress. A word to the wise- never hide anything under your mattress unless you intend to have it found. Abraham went off on Amanda, and I came to her defense. I am her friend before his girlfriend. I was angry at him.. Furious that he couldn't mind his own. He was trying to be her father, and I still believe that it is not his place to be so. I was distent at the theater and remained so until we talked things out. I believed things settled- I was wrong.

I called him from my sick bed yesterday to find that he was mad at me, for being mad at him. What kind of reasoning is that? I can not continue in a relationship where I must reason out his every emotion- he tells me nothing. He expects me to read his mind and know when to back off and when to come closer, but this is truely beyond me. I don't need the added stress of coping with a boyfriend who is just as- if not more- emo then myself. He does not help me through hard times, he has lately been the very salt in my wounds. It is only a matter of time before he is the sulfer.....

"Should I stay or should I go?"

no subject

swornsisterrei — 2005-11-17T03:11:38-05:00

I hate people, people make me pro-nuclear.

Let the Good Times Roll

swornsisterrei — 2005-11-22T02:11:28-05:00

After nearly a week of arguements and tension, Abraham and I finally made amends on Sunday. It wasn't a typical make-up. All it involved was a call to his house, admitting to each other that we missed one another, and moving on.

I had the honor of acompanying Abraham and my sworn, Amanda, to see their friend, Josh's, violen recital last night. It was an honor that did not I take lightly, since this is one of Abraham's college friends and I had to make a good impression so I tried to look my best and put my best foot forward. But it was cold, and I was sick. I can only hope I did well enough. On our way for food, we were delayed by Dayan, Abraham's sworn who also wished to come. Supper was pushed back to after the recital and we dropped down into reativly comfortable chairs in the USF fine arts building, room 101. Abraham's friend Josh turned out to not only be incredably talented, but very pleasing to look upon. We spent the better part of an hour and a half listening to the moving tones of the violen and the accompanying instraments. It was beautiful.

After the show, I was intoduced to Josh. I hope I made a good impression. I tried to be charming and funny, all those good quilities that men fine pleasing, while keeping my place. The encounter that short, thankfully, and Abraham, myself, Amanda, and Dayan left to eat at "the best chinese resturant in the world" according to Abe. I was not impressed. The food, in fact, made my stomach turn. The only good moment in that resturant was when Abraham stood up from eating and his pants fell from his waist to his ankles. Apparently he had undone them in the eating process... but that fact alone could not save his dignity there. His pants literally fell off. It was very very comical. I'm even laughing as I type this. Then, I was ordered by my parental unit to call her as we made our way home, but due to menustral cramps (sorry to put that here but it's true) and a ill stomach from the food, my mind was on sleep. And sleep I did... and when I woke I was at a movie theater.

I called my mother and told her what had progressed. While I was asleep Dayan convinced the other party members to go the the theater and watch the new Harry Potter movie. She was livid. I am aperently supposed to be rude to everyone else and make us all leave the movie if I alone am not allowed to stay. This is against my code of honor that I set up not long ago to keep myself decent in society. I stayed, I was not going to be rude to the others. The movie was good as a whole, but I was not impressed. It left out many things that I concidered important and changed things as well. I was disappointed. The only good thing, in my mind, was the portrayal of Voldemort- the Dark Lord. His character was well done.

I returned home to face my mother's wrath. The women is irrational when she is angry. She insists that everything I say is a well constructed lie, even when I have concrete facts to back-up what I say. She delt out punishments without restaint, and I spent the first half of my day bent and the waist- cleaning. I am also grounded and have many irrational and ridiculos threats hanging over me. Tch, I fear not her wrath. I could leave at any moment. (In fact I seriously considered it last night).

I can not however, stay down. I had far too much fun and enjoyed my night far to much to let my mother's bitching get in my way. It is a beautiful day and a feeling still lingers.......... The first kiss after a long absense.... and the second, are bliss.

Thanksgiving with the Family

swornsisterrei — 2005-11-24T07:11:44-05:00

I have, not too long ago, returned home from spending the day with my family.. 'tis Thanksgiving- it's expected. I am still not used to spending time with my whole family together, since for many years under my father's rule it was forbidden, but I am slowly regaining my, shall we say "family ties," and am able to sit and enjoy time with any family member that cares to join me... even the more unusual ones.

I woke early and went to work, for the first time in many weeks it seems, to fill in for Monica (aka Tru) since she is on vacation with her family in Daytona. It was not hard for me to wake up, since I have been getting such good sleep during the break, and I was in the barn in good time. My employer, Mr. Allen, was getting things packed into his horse trailer since he left today for the biggest Arabian show of the year. I wish him luck and wish I could have gone and watched even if I do harbor an almost natural distaste for the breed. I worked hard, but fell into distraction in the form of a good conversation with Mr. Allen's grandaughter (who is my age). I regret to say that I lost nearly an hour to her conversation. I worked as quickly as I could but still was not on time when my mother came to pick me up and take me to my grandparent's lake house for Thanksgiving. She helped me finish the job and together we left for the lake house.

It was not long before we arrived. I quickly paced into the bathroom where I changed into some clean clothing and swept my hair back into a low pony-tail with a side part. I emerged to be greeted by the family and some new people that I didn't know. A woman and a man. The woman, as it turned out was the one responsible for taking my aunt Patsy back and forth from her doctor, the man was her man-friend (though I heard my cousin call him her "lover" ). My aunt you see, was recently diagnosed with skin cancer and has been getting radiation treatments. Since the state is so bad, these people where taken in as family. My grandmother has never met a stranger in her life and treats everyone that walks through her door as an old friend. Call it southern ettique, but it is a bit overwelming for those of the shier sort. The meal boasted several kinds of cassaroles, ham, turkey, salads, deviled eggs, and rolls. I also regret to mention that there was one bad dish- some odd sort of corn..... Desert was your choice between, sweet potatoe pie, pecan pie, buttermilk pie, burbun pie, and (my favorite) red velvet cake- all made by my aunt Patsy who has a flair for baking. I ate until I felt as though I had stacked food in my esophagus as well and went out to sit with my mother on the deck overlooking the lake.

Crooked Lake is the cleanest lake in Florida. Sand-bottom, deep, and full of regulations about how your plumbing system must work if you live on it. It is also one of the biggest lakes in Polk County. As I was sitting with my mom, content to watch the newly swollen with hurricane rains lake slap the shore line, I noticed that my uncle Doug was preparing to launch his new boat. I had not had water beneath me in some time. I rushed to join him and quickly sat myself at the bow of the boat, the wind in my hair and the sun on my face. Paints a lovely picture doesn't it? It did until the winds picked up. Pontoom boats don't go well on choppy water, which is what the usual glassy surface of the lake was quickly becoming. I stayed at the bow, was sprayed by the water, and rocked back and forth with the waves. I am gifted with good "sea-legs" as the saying goes, so even on a full stomach the swaying didn't bother me. Many people don't know this about me, but I love being on the water so much I would love to go out to sea, but I also have an intense fear of getting lost, so looking at the horizon and seeing no land would not settle with me. I surveyd the land as the boat slowly circled the main part of the lake. The damage from the hurricanes is often seen as blue tarped roofs, but the lake told another story. Many houses where under water, many more had quicky built sea-walls on the lake sides of their property only to barely excape the rising waters. All this made me think, exactly what one should on Thanksgiving, about how thankful I am that we made it through the devil-storms so well. And mostly..........

I am thankful for dry land.

"Black" Friday

swornsisterrei — 2005-11-25T10:11:16-05:00

Black Friday.... the day following Thanksgiving when anything and everything is on sale and people rush to any store within driving distance to gather Christmas presents. In my mind, the worst day in the year to go shopping, get out on the roads, or do anything that involves the term "going into town" in any way. Well.... that's just what I did- along with my mother and aunt Peggy. (Short family history- women on my mom's side of the family: Pam, Peggy, Polly, Patsy....... yea- my grandmother is insane)

Aunt Peggy is usually a very laid back person, prone to sarcastic comments- much as I am. Ohhhh no. Not when shopping. I believe this is where the phrase "shops like a tornado" could be applied.... since she picks up everything. I believe that the entire time I was with them, my face resembled one of these four: 0_0 0_o @_@ or -_-. Yep, and the last one was only seen when my knees decided they had had enough and broke down. I was and still am (one slice of velvet cake later) still exhausted. From Target to Micheal's, Micheal's to the mall, around the mall at least three times (plus the meadering in stores), and then I could finally collaspe into the back seat of my aunt's truck. I got something out of it though. A pair of courteroy (I'm almost 100% sure that's not how that's spelled) pants, a book for school- Catcher in the Rye, and a digital camera. One bad thing... I have been told that I can not have the camera until Christmas.... I find this to be cruel and unusual punishment. "Here here! Look it's your camera! But, oooooh, can't have it." Urks me. Little known fact- most serial killers and professional assasins have been found with a copy of Catcher in the Rye..... My teacher must be trying to raise an army.

GOOD NEWS! After Christmas, for four, maybe five days, my family (mom, little brother and me) are driving up to North Carolina to stay with my mom's man-friend in his home, ON A MOUNTAIN! I'm so excited. I have never seen snow, never had a white Christmas, never seen mountains. It is going to be some of the best few days of my life. By then I'll have my digital (though I should have it now....) and I plan on taking many many pictures. A month and three days before we leave.... commence countdown!

Another Boredom Induced Blog.........

swornsisterrei — 2005-11-26T02:11:36-05:00

Bored out of my mind... I wanted to post something that stimultes the mind... but I'm putting this crap instead. I think it's mostly because I like filling these things out......... Man that's sad

In The Last 24 Hours Have You...

1. Had sex: Nope
2. Bought something: Yea, several things

3. Gotten sick: Been sick for about a week in fact
4. Sang: when at work and alone... the MP3 becomes the backround for my musical art! HA! riiiiight

5. Been kissed: boyfriend's been in Tampa.... damnit

6. Ate something: Let's hope
7. Felt stupid: No
8. Talked to an ex: No

9. Missed someone: Always missing one person or another
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Last person who...

1. Slept/Layed in your bed with you: um.... no one

2. Made you laugh: Mom, she's the only one around at the moment

3. Made you cry: Myself... I'm stupid like that

4. Went to the movies with: Abraham, Amanda, Dayan, and Dayan's cousin (who's name I can't spell HAHA)
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Have You Ever...

1. Said "I Love You" and meant it: Don't say it if I don't mean it

2. Got in a fight with your pet: uh, i don't think so

3. Been to New York?: nope, and not interested in going
4. Been to Mexico: no
5. Been to Canada: no
7. Been to Europe: I will.. eventually
----------------------------------------------------
1. Do you have a crush on someone: taken, not looking to have one
2. What book are you reading?: several
3. Worst feeling in the world: Not being able to do anything while some one you care for suffers

4. Future KIDS names: Oh God.......... children scare me
5. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal: got over that years ago
6. What's under your bed: Old art projects
---------------------------------------------
Favorite...

7. Sports to watch: Anything and everything equine
8. Location: the wilderness, perhaps by a campfire
9. Piercing/Tattoos: ears, belly button, and one day I will have a tattoo (just have to wait until I'm 18 lol)
10. Are you afraid of the dark?: Not at all
11. What are you most worried about right now?: nothing for once, I'm totally relaxed
12. Where do you want to get married?: Oh wow, so many places in mind... I don't know yet
13. Who do you really hate: No one really, but there are a lot of people that I think should be put out of the world's misery if you catch my meaning *wink*
14. Do you have a job: yea, unfortunatly
15. Do you like being around people: all depends on my mood at the time, most the time I don't have an opinion
16. Have you ever liked somebody that you had no chance with: of course
17. Have you ever cried: too many times for my likey
18. Are you lonely right now: a bit, but that's okay- I'm coping
19. Song that's stuck in your head: "Get Some" by Chevelle
20. Played strip poker: never, and I don't think I will
22. Been drunk for more than 2 days straight: Have to have been drunk to have been drunk for two days lol
23. Done an all-nighter: yea, once and it was...... interesting
24. Been on radio/TV: yea- in like fourth grade
25. Do you have any gay/lesbian friends?: nope, though I did, kinda lost touch with my gay buddy- shame, he was hilerious

Christmas Trail

swornsisterrei — 2005-12-04T08:12:51-05:00

Went on the annual 4-H Christmas trail ride last night. For some reason or another I always look forward to going, and always wish I had never gone to begin with. This year was no acception. I don't know why I keep going in the first place.

I went to work, had a very easy day compared to the usual terribly exhausting time, and was picked up at about half past noon by my aunt Polly who was hosting the party. I ate the lunch she had bought for me from Sonny's and hung out there for about an hour along with my cousin Sarah and her year old son- Riley. Before long my mom arrived along with my horse, my sworn sister Monica, and her horse. I changed out of my work clothes and went out to saddle up and get ready to go on the trail.

We rode for about two and a half hours.... through the only kind of landscape Polk County has- orange groves and cow pasture. It tends to get rather dull. Ed didn't walk a step, prefering to prance the entire time, so it wasn't long before we left Monica and her much calmer horse behind. I sat the annoying prance the entire time, trying to make the best of it since Ed does look really cool while doing that, but before long my knees where killing my from taking the shock of each bounce.... eh.

I got back to the starting point, Aunt Polly's barn, and found Monica again. We put our horses in some of her spare stalls and settled in for the eating/gift giving part of the night (it now being nearly six). We ate, and then it was brought to our attention that Monica's horse was colicing. For those of you who read my entry of this subject, it's not to be taken lightly, but Monica was calm and cool. I gained so much respect for her. We gave her horse medicine and walked her around to keep her from rolling and twisting her intestines and after about a half hour, all was well again. It would not have been half as bad if people would learn to mind their own. The member's interfering annoyed both Monica and myself and she ended up telling them off. They needed it.

After the small crisis was over and most people had finally cleared out, we were able to finally relax. I sat in the soft grass and just admired the night sky- clear and full of bright stars with a lovely cresent moon. We even saw a shooting star. A good ending to the party.

Monica came over later and watched Elfen Lied with me. A highly recommended anime. If you like that kind of thing- it's a must watch. Deep crap.

I'd like to put up pictures... don't know how because I am computer inept. If you can help, please do. It would be greatly appriciated.

Shake it shake it, shake it... haha

swornsisterrei — 2005-12-17T10:12:52-05:00

The date- the sixteenth of December. The event- the Noel Dance of Bartow High School. Time- eight to twelve. The ending to a week of finals.

So, after a week of having finals hand my ass to me on a golden platter- I decided that even if Dayan (Abraham's best friend that tends to annoy me) was going, I needed the mindless-ness of it all to cure my disease. After school got out at noon, I went to my sworn's house. Alyson, Stephanie, Jason, and me (that's right ME not I.... lemme be mindless) hung out for awhile, ate pizza, and watched Anchor Man. After all this light-hearted fun... the time came for dance-prep. Hair, nails, make-up ect. It's enough to drive a person mad. Alyson is, however, the hair goddess. Chi straighters rock. My hair has never been that straight.

I went back home. For two hours I killed time. Soon it came time to get ready. I slipped on my red dress, did the last minute leg shaving thing and came into the living room to find Abraham and Darian (his other sworn brother) already here. Amanda and Dayan were waiting in the car. Abe greeted me with this huge smile. Made me feel good for a bit. Then.... we left.

After a short drive, we got the the Civic Center and tried getting it... note that I said TRIED. Some old lady with a rug over her shoulders wouldn't let the guys in because they had no ties. So, after waiting for the run to Wal-mart to end, the guys got some cheap-o ties and we went into the dance. Crappy songs to start with, slowly building to good ones, ending with awesome ones. That was the dance's pattern. Us girls danced with our dates, but soon, we wore them out and they had to take a bit of a break so we danced alone. Amanda and I attracted a fair bit of attention. It began with random people coming up behind us and dancing with us, then it was some guy dancing with both of us at once, then finally a random guy coming up and openly admiring and complimenting us. Nothing like this kinda stuff to make a girl feel good about herself.

Abraham and I drove back alone. He admitted that he thought I looked cute/hot. I had to laugh- he always fumbles through comliments. So, I told him that he looked good too. Nothing much more happened. Not any action for the night- always on-lookers. I suppose that I should be satisfied though... enough has happened this week. Left me feeling oddly empty though... maybe I'm merely being emo... but something seems amise.

MONICA MISSED A GOOD ONE!!!!! COME BACK YOU BASTARD!!!! hahahaha, hope your having fun man!

Pre-Trip Nerves

swornsisterrei — 2005-12-23T02:12:51-05:00

And the countdown continues.... a mere two days before we begin the drive from Florida to North Carolina. Everyone is getting excited. Me, I have mixed feelings... Having worked for eight days straight has given me much time to think.

I am excited- how could I not be? I've never seen snow and here's my chance. I've never seen mountains and by going I shall. Mike, my mom's manfriend that we are staying with, is taking us skiing and to all the most beautiful places. I'm going to go picture crazy and use up all 250 slots in my camera. It will be a glorious adventure.

I dread it- how could I not? All of my animals are to be left in the care of my somewhat hapless cousin. The drive is bound to be twelve hours of hell with my family. We could easily get lost on the trip up or back down... taking wrong turns, getting off on the wrong exit. The temperatures are certainly going to be too cold for a native Floridian like myself. It will be a terrbile adventure.

It's like yin and yang is it not? So simple yet so complex. I will probably come home and be glowing from the good time I had in the end... but at the moment I don't know whether to jump up and down or to crawl into a hole. A curse on my wandering mind... bringing me these dark thoughts.

One thing is for certain.... there is some one that I will miss very very much when I leave....

Yet Another... and Oh Yea......

swornsisterrei — 2005-12-24T01:12:46-05:00

Well, I'm bored again so I'm going to fill out another survey type thing. I'm sure everyone is annoyed with these and in truth, I am as well but my boredom overpowers it.

1. ONE OF YOUR SCARS, HOW DID YOU GET IT? Running barrels and getting slammed into the second. It's not just a scar either- it's an indentation in my leg.

2. WHAT IS ON THE WALLS IN YOUR ROOM? Horse posters and things I've cut out of magazines... some pictures of me and my friends

3. WHAT DOES YOUR CELL PHONE LOOK LIKE? HAHA, I don't have one

4. WHAT MUSIC DO YOU LISTEN TO? Just about everything but if I had my choice- metal

5. DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME YOU WERE BORN? Not a clue

6. WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW? 0_o

7. WHAT DO YOU MISS? My friends that I haven't seen at all during the break

10. DO YOU GET CLAUSTROPHOBIC? sometimes

11. DO YOU GET SCARED IN THE DARK? Never, I love the dark

12. THE LAST PERSON TO MAKE YOU CRY? Combination of me and my boyfriend... damn arguements.

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE COLOGNE / PERFUME? I don't know....

14. WHAT KIND OF HAIR/EYE COLOR DO YOU LIKE ON THE OPPOSITE SEX? Don't really have an opinion because I don't really care.

15. WHERE CAN YOU SEE YOURSELF PROPOSING? I will not be the one proposing thank you

16. COFFEE OR ENERGY DRINKS? Both depending on the kind

17. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PIZZA TOPPING? I like all kinds really.. but no fish and no fruit

18. IF YOU CAN EAT ANYTHING RIGHT NOW, WHAT WOULD IT BE? I really don't know

19. WHO IS THE LAST PERSON YOU MADE MAD? My mom, like five minutes ago. :P
20. DO YOU SPEAK ANOTHER LANGUAGE? Bits and peices of three others

21. WHAT WAS THE FIRST GIFT SOMEONE EVER GAVE YOU: How should I know???

22. DO YOU LIKE ANYBODY? Yep

23. ARE YOU DOUBLE JOINTED? Nope

24. FAVORITE CLOTHING BRAND? Never given that any thought... I don't know

25. WHAT'S YOUR DREAM CAR? Mustang......

28. WOULD YOU FALL IN LOVE KNOWING THAT THE PERSON IS LEAVING? I have.

29. WHAT IS THE BEST WAY TO TELL SOMEONE HOW MUCH THEY MEAN TO YOU? Just tell them. It's not so difficult- just say it "I love you," and mean it.

30. SAY A NUMBER FROM ONE TO A HUNDRED : 80

31. BLONDES OR BRUNETTES? either

32. WHAT IS THE ONE NUMBER YOU CALL OFTEN? Abraham's

33. WHAT ANNOYS YOU MOST? Hypocrisy

34. HAVE YOU BEEN OUT OF THE U.S.? No, unfortunatly

35. YOUR WEAKNESSES? Caring too much

37. FIRST JOB? Stable hand at High Gait Farm

38. EVER DONE A PRANK CALL? Oh yeah

39. WHAT WERE YOU DOING BEFORE YOU FILLED OUT THIS? Staring blanking at the screen

40. IF YOU COULD GET PLASTIC SURGERY WHAT WOULD IT Be? Noway, if I have to alter myself to be accepted- then it's not worth it

41. WHY DID YOU FILL OUT THIS SURVEY? BORED OUT OF MY MIND

42. WHAT DO YOU GET COMPLIMENTED ABOUT MOST? uuuhhh... I'll get back to you on that one.

43. WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF ALCOHOL BECAME ILLEGAL? what I've always done- I don't care for the stuff

44. WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY? That's a ways away, I'll think about it later

45. HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU WANT? Undecided, I don't know if I want them at all or not

46. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? Yea, my great-great-great-great grandmother

47. DO YOU WISH ON STARS? Shooting ones

48. WHICH FINGER IS YOUR FAVORITE? The birdie finger

49. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY? Couple weeks ago

50. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? No, it's chicken scratch

51. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? Roast beef

52. ANY BAD HABITS? Jumping to conclusions, cursing, holding grudges, and lots more

53. WHAT IS YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING CD ON THE SHELF? Not telling!

54. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? No way, I'm a bitch. ^_^

55. HAVE YOU EVER TOLD A SECRET YOU SWORE NOT TO TELL? Yes, sad to say.

56. DO LOOKS MATTER? Though I'd like to think they don't, they do.

57. HOW DO YOU RELEASE ANGER? Blaring music- my own and that of others

58. WHERE IS YOUR SECOND HOME? The barn hahaha

59. DO YOU TRUST OTHERS EASILY? Depends on the air the person gives off

60. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A CHILD? Plastic horses

61. HOW MANY NUMBERS ARE IN YOUR CELL PHONE? *sigh* no cell

63. DO YOU USE SARCASM? Only as often as possible

64. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN A MOSH PIT? Yep

65. WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A GUY/GIRL? Near perfection- things impossible to find

66. WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES? Sam, Rei, Conejito, Sis

68. DO YOU UN-TIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? Nope

70. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR? Strawberry

72. WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITE COLORS? Red, black, and green

73. WHO/WHAT DO YOU MISS MOST RIGHT NOW? Abraham

74. HOW MANY WISDOM TEETH DO YOU HAVE? Three, other has yet to come in

75. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS? I don't care really

76. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? Hilf Mir- by Rammstein

77. LAST THING YOU ATE? Tomato Soup

78. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? Abraham

79. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE IN THE OPPOSITE SEX? Hair, gotta have nice hair

80. FAVORITE THOUGHT PROVOKING SONG: Holy Mountains- System of a Down

81. FAVORITE THING TO HATE: I hate a lot of things

82. FAVORITE DRINK(S)? Sweet tea

83. FAVORITE ZODIAC SIGN: Leo

84. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SPORT? Horseback riding

85. WHAT IS YOUR HAIR COLOR? Somewhere between blonde and brown

86. EYE COLOR? light brown

87. DO YOU WEAR GLASSES? No

88. SIBLINGS? Little brother

89. FAVORITE MONTH? November

90. YOU LIKE SUSHI? Never had it

91. LAST THING YOU WATCHED? Tombstone

92. FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR? Any day where I don't go to school

93. ARE YOU TOO SHY TO ASK SOMEONE OUT? Not really, but I'd rather be asked out then have to ask myself

94. SUMMER OR WINTER? Winter

95. KISSES OR HUGS? I have to choose between them?

96. RELATIONSHIPS OR ONE NIGHT STANDS? Relationships.

97. WHO IS THE MOST LIKELY TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS? No clue

98. WHO IS THE LEAST LIKELY TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS? Lots of people I'm sure.

99. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING? Several

100. IS ANYONE IN LOVE WITH YOU? I like to think they are

There we are, yet another quiz answered by me in my extreme boredom. The next time I write will be after the trip... ah the trip- here's the nerves again. But hey, it's Christmas eve! so, therefore:

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!!!!!

And the Return

swornsisterrei — 2005-12-31T09:12:19-05:00

Ahhhhhh, home sweet home. It is good to be back where things look familiar..... and are above twenty degrees.

Day One- Everyone was up bright and early... before bright. It was about 4:30 when my mom came into my room, shaking my shoulder and telling me it was time to get ready. Overdrive. I packed and got ready to go in a record thirty minutes. We left, the directions grasped firmly in my hands- I was the self-proclaimed navigator. We all had on at least two layers of clothing- prep for the cold and had the AC blasting in our faces. We trucked on and didn't stop until we had crossed the border into Georgia. Breakfast was at Cracker Barrel- that killed a good hour. The food was good, as it always is, and the atmoshpere wasn't much different from home- it was hard to believe that I was so far away. More driving, and before long a thought crossed my mind... Georgia and South Caroline look A LOT like Florida. Haha, I know- I'm a bit slow like that. So, after crossing the short coastline of Georgia, we went into South Carolina. Here we stopped again for fuel/bathrooms. The place was pretty much a hole in the wall. It smelled like cigarettes and had lots of.... interesting writing on the stalls. More driving and another border crossing (into North Carolina-the destination state) and mountains grew on the horizon. I had never seen the majestic giants. My camera was out pronto and I was snapping away. It's hard to believe how huge they are. Some hours later (total trip time- roughly 12 hours) and one claustrophobic moment later, we pulled into the Wal-mart where we were to meet up with Mike who would guide us the rest of the way. Snow and ice laid on the ground, had for some time, and all three of us (mom, myself, and my little brother Travis) were awed- such loser Floridians haha. We pulled out the heavy coats, and marched out into the elements into the store. Everything was so cute, snow piled up and making everything look like it was frosted. We found Mike, ate supper at a Japanese resturant, and followed him to his place- right on a mountain. I couldn't see much since it was dark already- but I could tell that the ground dropped off in several places around his house... and those holes went pretty deep. And so was our welcome to the mountainous state of North Carolina.

Day Two- I woke up after everyone else and after Mike had already left for work- about 9ish. I was given a very comfy bed in my own little room- well that's not true, I had to share it with a VERY fat cat with allergies but that was okay. I was rested up pretty good. I looked out my window first thing. Gasp. Smile. The ground extended about fifteen feet from my window before dropping in a steep slope, leveled for a few feet, dropped with a more gental angle, and formed a great valley before rising into snow covered mountains in the distance. Large pines grew everywhere, snow settled onto their swaying branches that was dropping in the gental breezes. It was stunning and I'll be honest- moving. Breakfast was cereal, and then the family suited up in the warmest clothes we had and marched out to explore. Travis had already been out and served as the guide as mom pointed and awed and I- once again- snapped away with my camera. Mom fell subject to the ice and steep slopes. Her leg got bashed on a rock and bruised up pretty badly but other then that she's fine. We were a lot more careful from then on- you couldn't walk anywhere that wasn't a steep slope save for right around the house... and come on- how much fun is that??? We walked down to Mike's barn. Goats and horses in the snow. It was pretty cute. They had this outragously thick fur and were in snow up to their knees (the goats that is). We fed the animals and trecked back up to the house to warm our freezing toes. Florida does not sell snow marching socks. We relaxed in the house and around noon and after lunch Travis came running inside yelling about how the snow was melting and we needed to build a snowman asap. I was not feeling up to it- foreshadowing of the illness to come- so I stayed inside while Mom and him went out and started building a snowman in the yard against a sloping hill. They soon returned and I was ushered outside to take pictures. I didn't think I'd be outside long so I put Travis's shoes on half-way and marched out and down the stairs on the porch. BIIIIG mistake. The steps where slick and when my foot and leg streched out to step down the first time, the rest of me decided it would take to long. I went flying. I hit all four steps on the way down and the cement slab at the bottom. My ass hurt. Trav's shoes had flown off (never being really on to begin with) and one was about three feet in front of me and the other was down the steep hill Mom had fallen down. I stood, feet freezing and walked over to the one I could get to, slid it all the way one this time, grabbed the little green disc-thing used to slide on hills, and sent Travis (who had two shoes and was unharmed) down to get the other. And so I stood. One foot in a shoe and the other on a disc that was threatening to shift at any moment. Pretty pitiful. Travis took a fall trying to save my/his shoe. He wasn't hurt though and we both laughed after determining that. I decided that Mike should have not left three Floridians alone, in the snow, on a mountain, our first day up there. We all had taken a fall by now. I finally got to the snow.... midget. It was a grand total of one and half feet high and decked-out with the traditional coal eyes, carrot nose, and stick arms- three fingers each. Cute in a small... demented way. I took pictures of course, and then Mom took some of us sledding and snow.... disc....ing..... meh. It was fun. Mike came home to battle scared but smiling faces and a warm bowl of chili- my mom makes awesome chili. ^_^/\ Baths, TV, and off to bed. The end of day two of the trip and day one in Boone, North Carolina.

Well, that's a lot of stuff to read so I'll end it here for today. I'll write about the next few days tomorrow if I get around to it. I have a bit of a..... hmmm.... secret battle to settle.

The Trip- part 2

swornsisterrei — 2006-01-01T05:01:28-05:00

HAPPY NEW YEARS EVERYONE! The dawn of 2006. Yet another year to live, learn, die a little inside, excetra excetra. Hope everyone had a fun night of partying and drinking and celebrating. I did the whole fixing up a new calender thing myself.... fuuuuuuun. So anyways, let's finish this up so I can talk about more currant events.

Day Three- I woke up sick. It was probably close to ten and everyone else was up and making noise, the bird was screeching for some one to "come 'ere" and Travis had the TV blaring. I vowed to shut my door the next night. I shuffled out and ate some muffins, did the whole breakfast thing, and settled in for a day of television and book reading. The only time I got up was to take a walk down the dirt road Mike lives on and see more sites. I didn't have my camera so I didn't get any photos. Ate some ice-cicles, climbed up to see the momument on the side of this huge bolder, and went back inside. We were all careful, of course, to watch for ice on the ground- one side of the curving road was the mountain and the other side was a sharp drop. Mom and Mike worked together and made steak for supper. It was a good day even if I did spend most of it inside.

Day Four- I had shut my door to insure that no one would wake me up but somehow I still heard all the noise going on outside. I moved to roll over and kicked the fat cat by accident. "Baby Kitty" just kind of did this little weezing thing and moved to the other side of the bed. My head hurt, I felt like I was going to throw up, and my throat was swollen shut. Not a pleasent way to wake up. I stumbled into the main part of the house and collasped on the sofa where I didn't move for quite some time. Mom shoved medicine at me and made me drink lots of orange juice (not complaining about that, love OJ), and went with Mike to get pizza from Papa John's. On a normal day, I love pizza. This day though, I ate it listlessly and later regretted it because it brought back my need to vomit. Euw. So I was given lots of medicine, took a long shower trying to bring my fever down, and hit the sack.

Day Five- I woke up feeling so much better it was hard to believe. Mike had taken the day off to take the three of us skiing and he was still at the house and had a smart comment up his sleeve for me first thing. "Aaaaand at ten, Sleeping Beauty wakes." I kind of sent him one of those "shut up and leave it alone" looks (I'm not a morning person at all) and sat down at the table to home made pancakes. After food I was in a much better mood and everyone got ready and piled in Mikes truck. It was mine and Travis's first day seeing the sites by daylight. I took even more pictures on the way to the slopes. The slopes.... were intimidating. I've never skied and those things- well all but the bunny slope- where huge..... HUGE. We all decided to wait until the next ski session at six (being about two o'clock) and went out for lunch and more site-seeing. Again the camera was pulled out. I took these sweet pictures of a frozen water wheel and of "Grandfather Mountain." For those who don't know, it's a mountain that looks like the profile of an old man. Pretty cool. At five we were back at the slopes to rent gear. I was going to ski, Travis snowboard, and Mom and Mike were going to watch and laugh when we fell. We were all kind of shocked when it turned out that to rent a snowboard one has to put down a 400 dollar deposit. No way that's going to happen, so Travis threw a fit and I was left to ski alone. I didn't want to brave the first pludge alone, so Mike came with me. At the last minute, Trav got over himself and decided to barefoot ski. At six, we marched out onto the slope. Mike showed us how to put on our skis and suddenly, I was helpless. Mike had to drag me to the line by my coat. It was pretty embarrassing but it's harder to ski uphill then downhill okay? We all got on the conveyor belt that hauled us up to the top of the bunny slope. Travis and Mike made it down the hill without a problem, but I was new and had pretty long skis..... point is I fell twice. ^_^/\ After that, I didn't have another problem unless it came in the form of other people. I got better each time I went down the slope and soon Mike left us to ski without him and he stood on the deck with Mom and watched. After about two hours, my fingers where really cold so I called it quits, went inside, and turned in my gear. We all warmed up and bit and after about five minutes Travis decided he wanted to try the intermediate slope. Ha. That was a funny thing, he didn't try it again. He went flying and then rolling. So we watched until about nine and I bought a cute little ski hat type thing and we left. We ate dinner, went home, packed up, and went to sleep.

Day Five- We woke up early and got into the truck. Mike drove us into town and stopped at the same Wal-mart he had found us cold and in awe at on Monday. Him and Mom shared a sad good bye and we drove away, on our way back here. We went through the drive-thru at a Burger King for breakfast and didn't stop again until we were in South Carolina and Travis had to go. We drove and drove and drove, stopped for gas in Georgia and Mom played a dollar in the slot machine IN THE GAS STATION. That was pretty outragous. When we got within calling distance, I called Abraham. I lost my appetite. More on that later. We ate taco bell.... I kind of just nibbled at it really. I wasn't hungry. We came home to a swarm of welcoming animals. The dogs (Sugar and Cinnamon) jumped all over us and my horse (Ed) was neighing like mad. It was a good welcome.

Now, on to the present silent battle. Ever been pissed and terribly hurt at the same time? Let me tell you it's a pretty crappy feeling. When I called Abe's house on the way home I got his mom.... she told me he was in Tampa with Dayan. In Tampa with Dayan is never a good sentence. I called Dayan's cell and got ahold of my skipping boyfriend. He ditched me for booze. That's what it boils down to. I hate alcohol more then ever now. He just called. I didn't answer and he left a message telling me to call him back. I want to see him.... pretty badly but at the same time I'm so hurt and angry..... I don't know what to do.

"I Should Mean More" +JamisonParker

End of Another Era

swornsisterrei — 2006-01-03T09:01:37-05:00

'Tis the last day of the times that I have know. The last day that I will live in this manner for quite some time. It's odd, to look back in time and see how one has lived one's life think of how it will never be quite the same again. It is a hollow feeling. Inviting demons to come and make themselves at home in your vunerable chest. Those demons grin at me now.

The last two days I have lived in blissful and self-created ignorance. No, Abraham is not leaving for college in a couple days......... no, he's not leaving tomorrow........ no, he's not leaving today. He's not... But then he did.

I don't know why I was so stupid, but while I was over at his house today, being forcfully happy and cheerful- I broke. It's funny how things can overwhelm a person. Tears flowed freely. It was the first time that I felt I accually cried in a presentable manner. No hacking, no snot involved- just the tears flowing down my face. Abraham understood and promised that nothing would change between us.

How could they not? Things have been so consistant. He worked these days, we had these days to ourselves, these days were for quick visits. Damn. Maybe we needed a change, but no change comes without pain in some manner. Now he will spend his days in Tampa.... in college. I will only be able to speak to him when all things fall in place just perfectly. I will only be able to see him when he or I go out of our way to drive that distance to one another. He's driving even now...... away.

Ich bin die Sehnsucht in dir..........